Grandma Eats Ice Cube, Gets Pneumonia
“The ice cube touched her lips, and she went so pale,” said daughter Dorothy Clapp (55).
Birds Start Migration North, Ready to F*ck Sh*t Up This Spring
350 North American bird species are flying over the border from the Gulf of Mexico into the United States and Canada, promising trouble for any fool that gets in their way.
Where’s The Waitress? Dead.
“Is the waitress EVER going to bring our check?!” Burt threw his purple arms in the air, bringing his meaty fists down onto the table so that everyone’s plates, the ones not yet cleared from the missing waitress, bounced and clattered.
Hallmark Channel Releases New Movie About Woman Trapped in Hallmark Channel Movie
Exhausted New York City bakery owner, Stephanie, finds herself trapped in the same lonely routine: work by day, fall asleep to Hallmark Channel Christmas movies on the couch by night. But this Christmas Eve, Stephanie wakes up to find herself in a Hallmark movie of her very own!
Office “Holiday” Party Clearly Christmas Themed
Junkins Toy Shop is an equal opportunity employer. We respect the religious views of all employees, and regret that our holiday party was so clearly Christmas themed. While the colors red and green are embraced by many as neutral festive decor, we understand that the “Merry Christmas” banner tilted the scales a bit.
Hidden Valley Ranch Found
The famous Hidden Valley Ranch, where salad dressing flows like lava from beautiful, multicolored volcanoes of Italian, Balsamic, French, Raspberry Vinaigrette, and that famous zesty white stuff, has been found through a crawl space of a Rue21 dressing room in
Single Woman Finds Warm Toilet Seat Strangely Comforting
TULSA, OK – Darla Skidder recounted an audacious discovery after entering her office bathroom Wednesday mid-morning; holding the door for her exiting co-worker, Cheryl. “I knew right then that Cheryl must’ve just gotten up from one of the toilet seats…but which one?”
Vegan Can’t Decide Best Way To Offend Host This Thanksgiving
Vegan Bethany (24) has been invited to meet her boyfriend’s parents for the first time at their home this Thanksgiving. In her best efforts to offend the hosts, Vegan Bethany has come up with the following rude ideas:
Father Loses Temper, Finds Remote
COLUMBIA, SC – “Damnit–WHERE’S THE REMOTE?!” Tony Schligia (42) hollers to his family, standing 6′ 1″, 270lb in a sleeveless undershirt and basketball shorts in the living room of his modest ranch home.
Awkwardly Religious Aunt Already Practicing Thanksgiving Prayer
WICHITA, KS – With Thanksgiving only 22 days away, your overly-religious Aunt awoke from her sleep this morning filled with inspiration — to draft the family prayer for Thanksgiving.
“The pressure to perform well for the Lord can be very intimidating. With the exception of Christmas, this is the one chance I have each year to
Costumed Partygoer Pauses To Consider If Killer Is Right Behind Him
(LOS ANGELES – CA) At a Halloween party at his buddy Josh’s girlfriend’s house, Quinn couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy surrounded by devils, demons, and sexy nurses. Were they really just people in costume, or were they
Wendy the Passive-Aggressive Receptionist Writes Tell All Book, Names No Names
Wendy, the tenured passive-aggressive receptionist at the office, has finally published her scandalous book, A Secretary’s Secrets. This 345 page tell-all details the hottest office gossip while giving away no solid information whatsoever.
Naked Yoga Hunk Just Showing Off Spiritual Developments
MAUI, HAWAII- @ZenSteelOats69 uploaded a beautiful photo of his zen this morning, with a peaceful reminder to explore the beautiful curves of the Earth. He wants his Instagram followers to take in the bulging aura that yoga has provided him, and meditate on the happy trail to enlightenment that he is on.
Homeless Man Furious at Cost of New iPhone
CHICAGO, IL – When local homeless man, Tom [just Tom], stopped inside the North/Clybourne Apple store to see what he could steal, he discovered what many people around the world saw last month: the new iPhone XS, and its price tag.
Infinity Scarf Shows Endless Void You’ll Never Fill
Stare deeply into the endless woven thread. Allow yourself to sink into the soft, swirling fabric. Let the infinite scarf absorb your worries, as you wrap your head around the things you cannot change and mistakes you cannot fix.
