Isolated Grandma Misses the Callused Touch of a Man
(FICTION, USA) Ollie called his Grandma to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and to ask how she is handling being isolated during the current, COVID-19 pandemic. She lives alone in a rural area, and Ollie was worried that she may be getting lonely.
She told him that she isn’t taking the quarantine regulations too seriously, and doesn’t understand why he is, either.
“The whole thing is a Chinese hoax!” she squawked over the phone.
They proceeded to talk through the conspiracy theories she has heard around town (because she is still going around town) that this is all a covered up Chinese bioweapon attack to stop Trump from getting a second term in office, AND a Bill Gates’ plot to microchip us all, AND Big Pharma’s plan to keep us all sick. She told Ollie that she was certain that the government, the media, and the scientists are all lying to us at once.
And Ollie listened to her, but he couldn’t stop thinking, Why is my grandma so resistant to staying inside? Why are all of these wild theories easier to believe than the statistics of a real and dangerous virus?
It wasn’t money; she was still getting her social security check. So what was it…
The answer came to him in an unprecedented mental image of his naked grandma…having sex.
It is the only logical explanation he could think of for why his 70+ year old, able-bodied grandma wasn’t enjoying the current, lawful, alone time.
Alone time is great, he thought. Unless you’re aching for the touch of a rough-handed man.
And it would seem that his Grandma can ache no longer. She whispered into the phone receiver, “I have haircut and dye scheduled for tomorrow at a local beautician’s shop. She is operating illegally, like one of those Prohibition-era speakeasies.”
She didn’t see it, but her grandson squirmed on the other end of the line.
“After that I think I’ll take a quick drive to find me a fella who doesn’t mind breaking the law for a bit of fun. Thanks for calling, dear!”
Call your grandmas. Make sure they aren’t going crazy without sex.