The Out of Office Message We All Want To Send
Thank you for your message. Fortunately, I am out of the office (I don’t need to explain to you where) for two weeks and won’t be checking this email account until I get back. I do not have “limited” access, I’m choosing to have ZERO access, because I have worked for this company for five years, entitling me to an annual three weeks of paid vacation, and I’m using two of them without shame!
While I am out (alright I will tell you- I’m not even traveling, I’m just sitting at home in my robe for two full weeks), please take this opportunity to re-read your email request, and make sure it isn’t something you could do yourself with just a little bit of cognitive processing, or with the help of Google. Have you heard of Google? It is wonderfully useful, and likely what I will be using to figure out the answer to the issue you took time to type into this message, but not into a search engine.
If you fail at that, and need to get ahold of someone from my office, try Gary. He isn’t doing anything. He hasn’t done anything in over a year. I’m not sure why he is still employed. Nonetheless, he is still an employee, so try him. He will likely reply informing you that I am out of the office (even if you tell him that you are reaching out to him after receiving my away message) and that I’ll handle it when I’m back in office. Which I will, but in my own time. Do not ping me on the day I get back. Do not check that I got your message. I’ll get to it when I get to it.
Please do not try my cell phone when you get this out of office message. I won’t answer. I will block your number and charge you for the time it takes to do that.
If when I reply to you, you ask me how my vacation was, or make any joke about my absence, please know that I will tell you- in excruciating detail- how it went. I don’t like working, and typing out the plot of every show and podcast I binged over the 14 day period to you allows me to ignore the responsibilities I took this vacation to get away from. So try me. I dare you.
I will reply to your message when I am back in the office. I’m on vacation. Leave me the hell alone.