‘Valentine’s Day is About Greeting Cards,’ Says Woman Who Won’t Be Getting One
MILWAUKEE, WI – Valerie Varth (25) thinks Valentine’s Day is stupid, and has held that opinion ever since she stopped seeing her cheating, idiot boyfriend in February of 2016.
“I used to blush when a bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk on February 14th,” says Varth. “After finding flirtatious texts between my boyfriend, Jerry, and my best friend, Denise, I now recognize that Valentine’s Day is a sham, and greeting card companies are the biggest perpetuators of the lie. They have manipulated all of us to spend our hard-earned money on people who don’t care about us. Restaurants, candy stores, and retailers are all in on the artful deceit.”
Varth’s theory of corporate conspiracy is one that is widely held by economists and single people across the U.S., and is supported by the National Retail Association’s projections that there will be nearly 30 billion dollars in romantic revenue this February 14th.
“Valentine’s Day tricks the already happily coupled into feeling happier, and reminds the rest of us that Jerry and Denise were sleeping together behind our backs for six months before we had a clue.
“All that money spent on a stuffed animal for someone you already see everyday? All those fancy dinner dates with someone you eat with all the time? What a waste! Last year I got dressed up and took myself out dancing. Not because it was Valentine’s Day – I mean, it was, but – I don’t need an excuse to go dancing by and with myself. There were a lot of girls doing it. They called it Galentine’s Day!”
Celebrated on February 13th, Galentine’s Day promotes the idea that females (‘gals’) should spend time with their female friends in order to rebel against society’s pressure to have a traditional male/female date on the holiday.
“Do I think Galentine’s Day is just another clever marketing trick by the same big businesses to get women to still buy merchandise even if they’re single?” Varth said. “No way! It’s totally different from that bullshit holiday. If my ex-best friend hadn’t sexted my ex-boyfriend, she and I would totally be celebrating together with mimosas at brunch. But I think she is spending it with Jerry at his beach house instead.”
So how does Varth plan to spend her Valentine’s Day this year?
“Me? I’m going on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to on Bumble. ”