Cancelled Home Delivery Service Reminds You That They Know Where You Sleep

Welcome! Thank you for your recent subscription to HeatMeUp dinner meal-kits. We appreciate your business, and hope to make meal time easier for your family’s busy lifestyle.

We would also like to take this time to remind you that we know where you live now, and if you ever decide to cancel your subscription, we will happily send one of our customer care specialists right to your doorstep to see why the f#@k you made that decision.

Here at HeatMeUp, we offer delicious, wholesome meals for you and your family, with fresh ingredients and easy to follow instructions. We partner with local farmers to ensure your meat and produce is always fresh, and free from the hormones and pesticides that grocery stores can’t guarantee.

So it would be really weird if you decided to go back to them after trying us out, don’t you think? We’d probably need to stop by your apartment (cute doormat, by the way) and make sure you understand our little agreement.

Want to customize your weekly meals? Manage your account on the HeatMeUp app, to make sure you get exactly what you want. Have a vegetarian in the family, or someone with a food allergy? Just check the box on the dietary restriction page. Have a picky eater who doesn’t like broccoli? Choose a different vegetable, or maybe tell that person to stop being such a whiny b*!@h and just eat the broccoli. It comes with a cheese sauce – and if they don’t like that, then maybe you don’t need that person in your life anymore.

Our packages are delivered to your doorstep weekly, and are specially packed with dry ice to keep your food fresh for up to ten hours outside. Won’t be home in time? Don’t worry, we wait in the bushes until we see you pick the box up. If you’re late, we’ll take the meals back with us, and leave a bag of flaming sh*t on your porch instead.

Happy cooking, @ssh@le!

– The HeatMeUp Team

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