COLUMBIA, SC – “Damnit–WHERE’S THE REMOTE?!” Tony Schligia (42) hollers to his family, standing 6′ 1″, 270lb in a sleeveless undershirt and basketball shorts in the living room of his modest ranch home. A mechanic at the local AutoZone, sources close to Schligia say he has a terrible temper, which can be immediately removed when he has a remote control in his hand.

“It’s the darnedest thing,” says Schligia’s best friend, [Other] Tony (40). “When he’s watching TV, you’d never guess there’s any kind of rage building up in him. It’s only when he can’t find the remote that you realize that hibernating inside Tony is a hungry bear ready to eat his entire family alive.” [Other] Tony laughs, sucking corn out of his crooked teeth. “A can of beer will also do the trick.”