Burrito Gains Cognitive Functions, Bends to Human Will Anyway
A new study shows that the burrito, a Mexican dish consisting of a stuffed tortilla shell, has developed cognitive abilities such as memory, reasoning, and possibly even language. This comes to huge surprise to scientists such as Dr. Rachael Lopez, who described the potential consequences of this discovery in an exclusive interview.
ANDY: Dr. Lopez, we now know that burritos can think. What does that mean, exactly?
LOPEZ: If burritos have gained the ability to think, that means they may have an understanding of our language and the capacity for higher reasoning, which begs the question….what do they know, and how long have they known it? Anyone who has discussed sensitive information over a Mexican meal has put themselves at potential risk for exposure.
ANDY: But if we have eaten the burrito…then we are safe, right?
LOPEZ: Not necessarily. We can’t assume that telepathy is out of the question here, especially since we never believed food would gain the ability to think. Leftover burritos could be sending telepathic signals to each other globally from inside the refrigerator, and we would have no way of knowing.
ANDY: You suspect foul play. What can we do about this? What is our responsibility?
LOPEZ: I think we need to try to reach out to the burrito community and see what they are thinking. What do they want? What are their needs? Do they have a sense of their purpose or are they happy to be eaten? These are the questions scientists are working around the clock to answer.
ANDY: Do you think other foods have gained this ability? I mean, why burritos? Why now?
LOPEZ: That is a major question that still needs answering, Andy. And I hope we can figure it out together.
ANDY: And until then? What can people worldwide due to feel safe until we know why the thinking burrito has chosen to remain silent?
LOPEZ: The obvious answer would be to lower your intake of Mexican food, though that is not reasonable for some people. In that case, in the event that a burrito is being prepared, be judicial in your conversation choices. Take precautions to make sure your not discussing something that the burrito could use against you, and dispose of any leftover burrito immediately.
ANDY: Thank you, Doctor. Now if you will excuse me, I have some leftover Chipotle in the staff fridge across the hall that requires my immediate attention.
LOPEZ: Oh, no…